Some thoughts about abuse, marriage, and divorce

What is marital abuse?  Lundy Bancroft defines abusers as "men who chronically make their partners feel mistreated or devalued" -- a general term that refers to a wide range of controlling, devaluing, or intimidating behaviors.  This isn't that great of a definition -- Bancroft goes into far more detail to define abuse through description and anecdotes in his book.  A more specific definition is Leslie Vernick's in The Emotionally Destructive Relationship:  "relationships in which one person continually seeks power over the other and uses abusive tactics (whether physical, verbal, sexual, or economic) to control and intimidate" (28).  My own personal definition as I lived it is:  "control over another person, justified by an innate feeling of entitlement, and maintained by emotional, psychological, verbal, physical, and sexual actions showing disregard for the other person's well-being."

Here are Bancroft's statistics on domestic violence:
"2 to 4 million women are assaulted by their partners per year in the United States.  The U.S. Surgeon General has declared that attacks by male partners are the number one cause of injury to women between the ages of fifteen and fifty-four.  The American Medical Association reports that one woman out of three will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life.  The emotional effects of partner violence are a factor in more than one-fourth of female suicide attempts and are a leading cause of substance abuse in adult women.  Government statistics indicate that 1,500 to 2,000 women are murdered by partners and ex-partners per year, comprising more than one-third of all female homicide victims…Experts estimate that 5 million children per year witness an assault on their mothers…Abuse of women has been found to be a cause of roughly one-third of divorces among couples with children and one-half of divorces where custody is disputed" (7).

People are horrified by these statistics on partner violence, but the victims of emotional abuse far exceed these numbers.  Bancroft asserts that "even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man's emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm" (7).  At the support group in the abuse shelter where I went for counseling, in the support group there was a strong assertion made, and a general murmuring of agreement, that the "ones who get hit are the lucky ones" -- because then the state might take notice and someone might intervene for you.  I don't think this is true (I doubt there is any woman who is being hit who is escaping emotional abuse, so they basically are both physically and emotionally abused), and I don't include that to belie the absolute seriousness of physical abuse, but rather I mention that because it highlights the damage behind emotional abuse, which could go on ignored for decades.  Even when the victim reaches out for help, often people don't take her seriously enough to intervene -- because he's not hitting her.

With the divorce rate within the church keeping close step with secular society's divorce rate, we in the church must acknowledge that marital abuse is happening within the walls of the church, even among leaders, going largely unacknowledged and unaddressed.

Looking at the rising divorce rates, I recently wondered about something.   Why is the divorce rate rising?  We in the church usually assume that it's the increasing flippancy with which people marry and divorce today, based on false expectations of romantic love, and certainly that is a problem.  But what if it's also increasing because women are not tolerating abuse any more, but trying to escape?  The number of abusive men is probably not changing -- which means that as many men, if not more (considering the rising status of women in society) were abusing their wives back then as they are today.  Given the high percentage of divorces that cite abuse as a cause today, what percentage of those new divorces happening today represent women escaping abuse -- women who in a previous era would have endured, to the death, decades of abuse because divorce was not an option?  I imagine myself in an intolerant society with nowhere to run and no economic prospects out of staying with my abusive husband.  I might have been one of those that stayed, simply because I had no other options.  Recently I was deeply sobered by the responses of many Korean women in my mother's generation who, rather than condemning me as I'd expected for getting divorced, applauded me for "getting out while I could."  It took me a while to digest the emotional background from which such comments came -- women who wished they'd lived in a time and place where escaping their husbands' abuse had been possible.  Now, after decades, and with kids and grandkids around, it simply feels too late for them.

If the rising divorce rates are somehow correlated with abused women being empowered to leave, I am actually thankful for the increasing ability of women to divorce their husbands -- not because I celebrate divorce, but because I decry abuse.  An abusive marriage that stays together is nothing to rejoice about -- it's no better than a divorce, and perhaps for the well-being of the woman and any children involved, is likely to be much worse.  I pray that the rising divorce figures because of abuse will bring the church to attention that we need to do a better job addressing abusive attitudes in men and in young boys who otherwise would grow up to be abusive partners.  If our common goal is Christ-centered, mutually respectful and loving marriages, then we should be on the same page about this.  Our goal shouldn't be blind statistics of people staying together regardless of what names are shouted and what plates and vases -- and souls -- are getting shattered behind closed doors.

In general, though, the church interprets rising divorce rates as a product of increasing immorality, rather than of women changing their responses to abuse, and you can see that interpretation in how the church reacts.  I think the church is doing its best to address the sacredness of marriage -- everywhere I look there are resources on saving your marriage, a Weekend to Remember, Love and Respect, etc. etc.  But most of those marriage resources will do nothing for an abusive marriage -- in fact, many of the principles taught for nonabusive marriages are lethal for abusive ones (such as male leadership and female submission), as they arm an abuser with spiritual weapons to further abuse and subjugate his partner.  If abuse is truly an issue that affects marriage within the church, church leaders and teachers need to be aware of how their teaching affects an abusive marriage, and to make sure that we aren't doing more harm than good, for victims.  It could mean life or death for some women and children.

Learned Helplessness and Abuse

I found the below excerpt from a blog post about resiliency.  The series, which doesn't address abuse in particular, seems very helpful for life lessons, but I zeroed in on the description of how abuse coupled with lack of control affects dogs, babies, and adult human beings -- what the author here calls "learned helplessness."  This to me felt like a very good description on what many women experience in abusive marriages where they feel that divorce or separation is not an option because of societal disapproval or their religious beliefs, and there seems to be no legitimate way out.  Some in desperation murder their abusive spouses or kill themselves, or resort to some other 'illegitimate' escape -- drugs, adultery, etc.  But most just stay in the situation like the dogs described in the second group below.

"Starting in 1967, Dr. Martin Seligman began a series of experiments involving 3 groups of dogs. The first group of dogs were given electric shocks, but were able to press a panel with their nose to make the shocks stop. The second group of dogs were given the shocks as well, but had no recourse to make them stop. The third group was the control and received no shocks.

"The dogs in the first and third group recovered well from the experiment. But the dogs in the second group, those that had been helpless to stop the pain, developed symptoms similar to clinical depression.

"In the second part of the experiment, the dogs were placed in an enclosed box separated by a low barrier over which they could see. When the shocks were administered, all the dogs had the opportunity to easily escape the pain by jumping over the partition, and this is what the dogs in the first and third group did. But the dogs in the second group, those which had previously learned that there was nothing they could do to escape the shocks, simply lay there whimpering and took it. They had come to believe that nothing they did mattered; Dr. Seligman called this behavior “learned helplessness.”

"The experiment was repeated with other animals, babies, and adult humans, and the results were the same. Once subjects had been exposed to a situation over which they had no control, they would continue to feel helpless, even in situations where they did have control."

Source:  http://www.artofmanliness.com/2010/02/03/boosting-your-resiliency-part-2-avoiding-learned-helplessness-and-changing-your-explanatory-style/

First of all, this was a horribly inhumane experiment which should never have been carried out.

However, I mention it because I think it's hard for outsiders to understand what it feels like to be in an abusive situation where you feel impotent and out of control, that there is nothing you can do to prevent your spouse from exploding and punishing you.  Many times as a woman is trying to find relief in her situation, outsiders actually push her back into her cage and keep her from escaping.  After years of this, at some point she becomes like the electrocuted dog, limp and helpless in the face of abuse.  I felt this way.  For awhile I felt that death was my only way out -- either mine or his.  I didn't want to die, and I didn't dare wish death on him.  I don't know what would have happened if the Lord had not started to whisper to me that this situation was NOT His will, that there was another way out...that I could be whole and free from abuse.  

Outsiders can be quick to judge an abused woman who is in a state of learned helplessness, not understanding that she doesn't have the strength to help herself.  Many abused women turn to destructive strategies or do something considered sinful to avoid pain, and it's easy to judge that without seeing the psychological, emotional, and physical abuse that drove her to that state.  I'm not saying that we should condone sin, but that we should not ignore abuse just because the victim is not behaving as the saint we think she shound.  I sigh whenever I hear of an abused woman doing something considered sinful in her pain, not because I judge her -- I don't! -- but because I know she'll lose allies and won't be able to escape her abuse, because they will judge her and take the abuser's side.

Recently a man posted a video of his wife in the car hysterically screaming because they were supposed to go to the lake with friends and he changed plans on her.  She did not know that he was taping.  The video, sadly, went viral and the world was divided on who was to blame.  Many blamed the wife for her temper tantrum, calling her crazy and spoiled.  I however saw the possibility that he had set it all up to make her look bad, and was deliberately pushing her buttons to get her to act out.  My spouse did this to me often.  There are some key points that make me think the man in the video is psychologically abusive -- why are they in the car if they're not going to the lake?  Did he get her in the car thinking she was going to the lake and then switch gears on her?  Why doesn't she go to the lake by herself?  In their relationship, she is clearly powerless to do what she wants, and he knows it.  She is in utter despair and screaming out of her hurt and pain.  He seems to be nastily taking pleasure in her pain, snickering at her and putting her down, and then publicly posting a video to shame her.  Not the behavior of a loving husband, in my mind.  It looks very abusive to me.  I know how this wife feels because I've been in her shoes -- totally powerless, helpless, in pain, and also blamed for being the unrighteous one.  I'm not saying she's being a good person here.  But he's clearly gaslighting here -- "crazymaking" -- and outsiders are quick to judge her without realizing that he's the one wielding the video recorder and she is unaware.  Of course he's going to look like the sane one on tape.   

What would you do if you were this wife?  Most people are saying she should endure it and be okay with not going to the lake.  But what if this has happened a million times and you know he's doing it just to hurt you?  Some people would say, get the car keys and go yourself.  But what if you know he'll verbally or physically abuse you if you defy him and go to the lake?  Or he simply won't give you the car keys?  Most abused wives are deliberately isolated by their husbands from any supportive community.  A few times being denied your will, everyone has to live with, but what if you live at the total mercy of this person who doesn't care about your welfare and you never get your way?  The human spirit can't live that way.  It gets crushed.  I lived that way for almost six years, being denied my will.  I wasn't even allowed to choose movies for us to watch -- the few times I chose movies and asked him to watch my choice, he verbally put down the movie so much, publicly and privately, that I learned my lesson -- don't choose.  Let him choose.  We lived with a quiet understanding that he called all the shots, he got to choose.  Once I begged him to watch a TV show of my choice and I remember during the show I was so scared he wouldn't like it, I was holding my breath.  Luckily he did like it and I was relieved because I wouldn't be punished.  Only in retrospect did I realize how bad my situation was.  

Today I feel the power of choice.  I am overwhelmed with happiness and strength every time I get to choose something for myself.  Even giving into someone -- I do it because I choose to do it, not because I fear consequences.