I found the below excerpt from a blog post about resiliency. The series, which doesn't address abuse in particular, seems very helpful for life lessons, but I zeroed in on the description of how abuse coupled with lack of control affects dogs, babies, and adult human beings -- what the author here calls "learned helplessness." This to me felt like a very good description on what many women experience in abusive marriages where they feel that divorce or separation is not an option because of societal disapproval or their religious beliefs, and there seems to be no legitimate way out. Some in desperation murder their abusive spouses or kill themselves, or resort to some other 'illegitimate' escape -- drugs, adultery, etc. But most just stay in the situation like the dogs described in the second group below.
"Starting in 1967, Dr. Martin Seligman began a series of experiments involving 3 groups of dogs. The first group of dogs were given electric shocks, but were able to press a panel with their nose to make the shocks stop. The second group of dogs were given the shocks as well, but had no recourse to make them stop. The third group was the control and received no shocks.
"The dogs in the first and third group recovered well from the experiment. But the dogs in the second group, those that had been helpless to stop the pain, developed symptoms similar to clinical depression.
"In the second part of the experiment, the dogs were placed in an enclosed box separated by a low barrier over which they could see. When the shocks were administered, all the dogs had the opportunity to easily escape the pain by jumping over the partition, and this is what the dogs in the first and third group did. But the dogs in the second group, those which had previously learned that there was nothing they could do to escape the shocks, simply lay there whimpering and took it. They had come to believe that nothing they did mattered; Dr. Seligman called this behavior “learned helplessness.”
"The experiment was repeated with other animals, babies, and adult humans, and the results were the same. Once subjects had been exposed to a situation over which they had no control, they would continue to feel helpless, even in situations where they did have control."
First of all, this was a horribly inhumane experiment which should never have been carried out.
However, I mention it because I think it's hard for outsiders to understand what it feels like to be in an abusive situation where you feel impotent and out of control, that there is nothing you can do to prevent your spouse from exploding and punishing you. Many times as a woman is trying to find relief in her situation, outsiders actually push her back into her cage and keep her from escaping. After years of this, at some point she becomes like the electrocuted dog, limp and helpless in the face of abuse. I felt this way. For awhile I felt that death was my only way out -- either mine or his. I didn't want to die, and I didn't dare wish death on him. I don't know what would have happened if the Lord had not started to whisper to me that this situation was NOT His will, that there was another way out...that I could be whole and free from abuse.
However, I mention it because I think it's hard for outsiders to understand what it feels like to be in an abusive situation where you feel impotent and out of control, that there is nothing you can do to prevent your spouse from exploding and punishing you. Many times as a woman is trying to find relief in her situation, outsiders actually push her back into her cage and keep her from escaping. After years of this, at some point she becomes like the electrocuted dog, limp and helpless in the face of abuse. I felt this way. For awhile I felt that death was my only way out -- either mine or his. I didn't want to die, and I didn't dare wish death on him. I don't know what would have happened if the Lord had not started to whisper to me that this situation was NOT His will, that there was another way out...that I could be whole and free from abuse.
Outsiders can be quick to judge an abused woman who is in a state of learned helplessness, not understanding that she doesn't have the strength to help herself. Many abused women turn to destructive strategies or do something considered sinful to avoid pain, and it's easy to judge that without seeing the psychological, emotional, and physical abuse that drove her to that state. I'm not saying that we should condone sin, but that we should not ignore abuse just because the victim is not behaving as the saint we think she shound. I sigh whenever I hear of an abused woman doing something considered sinful in her pain, not because I judge her -- I don't! -- but because I know she'll lose allies and won't be able to escape her abuse, because they will judge her and take the abuser's side.
Recently a man posted a video of his wife in the car hysterically screaming because they were supposed to go to the lake with friends and he changed plans on her. She did not know that he was taping. The video, sadly, went viral and the world was divided on who was to blame. Many blamed the wife for her temper tantrum, calling her crazy and spoiled. I however saw the possibility that he had set it all up to make her look bad, and was deliberately pushing her buttons to get her to act out. My spouse did this to me often. There are some key points that make me think the man in the video is psychologically abusive -- why are they in the car if they're not going to the lake? Did he get her in the car thinking she was going to the lake and then switch gears on her? Why doesn't she go to the lake by herself? In their relationship, she is clearly powerless to do what she wants, and he knows it. She is in utter despair and screaming out of her hurt and pain. He seems to be nastily taking pleasure in her pain, snickering at her and putting her down, and then publicly posting a video to shame her. Not the behavior of a loving husband, in my mind. It looks very abusive to me. I know how this wife feels because I've been in her shoes -- totally powerless, helpless, in pain, and also blamed for being the unrighteous one. I'm not saying she's being a good person here. But he's clearly gaslighting here -- "crazymaking" -- and outsiders are quick to judge her without realizing that he's the one wielding the video recorder and she is unaware. Of course he's going to look like the sane one on tape.
What would you do if you were this wife? Most people are saying she should endure it and be okay with not going to the lake. But what if this has happened a million times and you know he's doing it just to hurt you? Some people would say, get the car keys and go yourself. But what if you know he'll verbally or physically abuse you if you defy him and go to the lake? Or he simply won't give you the car keys? Most abused wives are deliberately isolated by their husbands from any supportive community. A few times being denied your will, everyone has to live with, but what if you live at the total mercy of this person who doesn't care about your welfare and you never get your way? The human spirit can't live that way. It gets crushed. I lived that way for almost six years, being denied my will. I wasn't even allowed to choose movies for us to watch -- the few times I chose movies and asked him to watch my choice, he verbally put down the movie so much, publicly and privately, that I learned my lesson -- don't choose. Let him choose. We lived with a quiet understanding that he called all the shots, he got to choose. Once I begged him to watch a TV show of my choice and I remember during the show I was so scared he wouldn't like it, I was holding my breath. Luckily he did like it and I was relieved because I wouldn't be punished. Only in retrospect did I realize how bad my situation was.
Today I feel the power of choice. I am overwhelmed with happiness and strength every time I get to choose something for myself. Even giving into someone -- I do it because I choose to do it, not because I fear consequences.
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